My Mind At 3 A.M.

Sometimes I catch myself watching “What Might Have Been Movies” in my brain. Glimpses of an alternate reality that I can see so clearly it’s “almost” real. Like a black and white movie that came out a week before it could have been released in color. I’m stuck watching Dorothy before she went to Oz. Just a slight layer of richness is missing, but what a difference it makes.

It’s like unfolding a crumpled piece of paper to discover song lyrics that didn’t measure up. When I read the words I want to cry, and I think about the difference such a song could make if only the artist finished it. But the artist has moved on. The creator of that song no longer exists, and scribbled words on a wrinkled page are destined to live forever in the land of “almost was” or “could have been”. I think there is actually a chain of islands with names like that located in the realm of possibility. It’s a favorite vacation spot within the world of imagination.

I find myself visualizing these “might have been’s” so vividly, and I wonder about the choices I’ve made and the version of myself that I’ve created. Life throws us so many curves. Nothing ever turns out the way you expect it to. I think about the person I am right now at this moment, and how tomorrow night this me will not exist. Because each day from moment to moment we change, evolve, and recreate ourselves. This is a blessing
and a curse.

“Come on”, Life says, “You’ve got to make every moment matter because this part will never come again. There is such a small window of time to fit in what really counts, and then it’s gone.” So I do the best I can to live without regrets.

But that’s impossible. Life is messy and we make mistakes. Sometimes we make big ones that affect the future forever. Every choice I make changes the trajectory of my story to some degree whether large or small. Thus regret becomes an unavoidable companion. But each day I have the ability to change, grow, and evolve. I can remake myself anyway that I want to. Wow, what a miracle!

The mind is so weird. Imagination and thought play such a huge role in who we are in the world. The choices we make are everything. And yet we can always change things if events haven’t played out the way we wanted or expected. At the end of the day I am so grateful for this mixed up crazy beautiful life. What a ride it is.