Estimated Reading Time 7 Minutes
Hey You! Happy Friday! I’m Emily Romrell and this is The Vibrant Life Podcast. Thank you for being here with me today. I want you to know that I do feel a sincere connection to you as I work on these podcast episodes. I often think about what you might be doing or going through. Life is an adventure for all of us and as I think about my personal journey, I’m filled to the brim with gratitude for the lessons I’m learning and the knowledge that we can all learn and grow together. The topics on this podcast are born directly from my own experiences. It is such a blessing for me to ponder on what to share each week. It keeps me going and looking on the bright side of things. I hope it does the same for you.
Today we’re talking about something that is difficult for me at times, but I think embracing this lesson is critical to living your best life. This episode is on The Power In Asking. I’m excited to share my thoughts on why it’s so important to ask for the things we need and to maybe break down some limiting beliefs. Because we are all here in the adventure together and we need each other.
One of my early memories is my brother, Shane, coming to me with excitement shining in his eyes. I must have been around five or six, and he is just fifteen months younger than me. Shane waved a couple of dollar bills around with a millionaire-ish feeling and told me, “If you ask dad, he gives you money!”. After that, things changed for my dad, haha. Honestly, I am so grateful to him and my mom. They have always given us kids everything, but before that point, I had never even thought to ask.
When I think back on that memory, I wonder what else I might have missed simply because I didn’t ask. Are there experiences that I lost out on because I was too dense to see them, or maybe because I was too insecure to reach out? I’m sure there are. I know that I’ve missed opportunities to connect with people. And I haven’t thought too much about the material side of life, honestly, but I’m sure there are things that I might have had if I had simply asked for them.
Obviously, there is a balance to everything, right? There is a point where you can ask too much. We need to be conscious of where other people are coming from. It’s important to give as much as we take, and the thought of being greedy has always bothered me. But that’s where one of those limiting beliefs comes in. It’s not necessarily wrong or bad to ask for the things you want. And it’s important to ask for the things you need.
I grew up the oldest of six kids in an average middle-class American family. My parents are amazing and I had a wonderful childhood, and we always had what we needed. But there was a heck of a lot of work involved in making ends meet both financially and time-wise. We were taught from a young age that you need to work hard. We all had chores to do and as the oldest, a big part of my identity became wrapped up in making sure my younger brothers and sisters, and even my parents to an extent were taken care of. I think anyone who is the oldest child can relate to that.
So while I did ask for things sometimes, I learned to be judicious in what I asked for. This actually benefited me greatly. I learned that it’s important to do your part in a family and that you should be as independent as possible at the same time. But somewhere along the way, I also learned to hold back on my needs and wants. This is not anyone’s fault, but I think a lot of us end up feeling and acting this way. We are taught that other people come first so we neglect our self-love and self-care.
Today I want to offer a new way of thinking. I believe that when we take care of ourselves first, we are actually able to serve others better. We have more to give because we are happier and healthier, and our figurative cup to pour from is full.
Also, it’s been proven that asking for things improves your relationship with others. In psychology, there is something called The Benjamin Franklin Effect. It’s named after the founding father because he noticed the benefits of asking for small favors from people you might not like or who don’t like you.
In his autobiography, Franklin reveals an experience with a rival in the legislature:
Having heard that he had in his library a certain very scarce and curious book, I wrote a note to him, expressing my desire of perusing that book, and requesting he would do me the favour of lending it to me for a few days. He sent it immediately, and I return’d it in about a week with another note, expressing strongly my sense of the favour. When we next met in the House, he spoke to me (which he had never done before), and with great civility; and he ever after manifested a readiness to serve me on all occasions, so that we became great friends, and our friendship continued to his death.
There are many reasons that this works but the two main supporting ideas are reciprocity and cognitive dissonance. First, as humans, we are social beings and we have a built-in need to return favors and pay back debts. This sort of unspoken rule goes both ways, so if I do a favor for you, I subconsciously know that you are more likely to help me in the future. This makes me more amicable towards you. The second concept is cognitive dissonance. This idea says that people change their attitudes or behavior to resolve tensions, or “dissonance”, between their thoughts, attitudes, and actions. So if I don’t like you, and I do you a favor, those two things disagree with each other. So I am more likely to change my mind and be friendly towards you after doing something nice.
So there is some science behind the power of asking. But I think another big factor is our willingness to show vulnerability. When we are willing to give others a genuine look into our hearts and minds, they will connect with us in ways that aren’t possible otherwise.
There’s a great quote from Madeleine L’Engle, the author of A Wrinkle In Time. She said, “When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability… To be alive is to be vulnerable.”
That’s pretty powerful, right? To be alive is to be vulnerable. I think when we truly embrace that, we come to understand how much we all need each other. And that there is great pleasure to be found in helping others, but also there is absolutely no shame in asking for help when you need it.
Actually, I think when we are emotionally healthy enough to ask for the things we need, it prevents us from seeking to fulfill our needs in other unhealthy ways. I can’t remember exactly where, but I heard once that all addiction is born out of a lack of connection. Addictions of every kind isolate you, whereas reaching out and asking for help will connect you to others. That’s something to think about, for sure.
One of the coolest things about life that I’ve discovered is that asking for those things that you want and need doesn’t stop you from giving at the same time. Because we’re all in different places and spaces in our lives, right? Where I am weak, you are strong, and vice versa. So you might need help physically getting something done, and I might need a listening ear and someone to support me emotionally. And we can help each other move forward in life.
We all have so much to offer this world. Sometimes I look around at the people I know and I’m blown away by their gifts and talents. But if you were to ask them what they have to offer, they might struggle a bit. I know I do. We’ve been taught from the time we’re small that we shouldn’t show off or brag about ourselves. But here’s the truth my friends, there is a significant difference between vanity and knowing your true self-worth. And I believe this is a cause of so many problems in society today.
It makes me think of Aunt Eller in the musical Oklahoma. The farmers and the cowboys are always fighting and trying to one-up each other and wise old Aunt Eller stands up and says, “I won’t say I’m no better than anybody else, but I’ll be danged if I ain’t just as good.” You don’t need to diminish yourself to remain humble. And loving yourself doesn’t mean that you feel superior to others.
So the challenge this week is double-sided. First of all, I hope you feel more inclined to reach out when you need something or even want something. Remember to have balance and moderation. There are limits of course. But maybe take a look at how you might enrich some of your relationships by asking for help. Then also take another good look and find ways to help others around you. Because it is another golden truth that when you lighten the way for others your own path is lit. Any efforts you make toward these goals with help you to truly Live A Vibrant Life!
Have a great week, my friends.
