Estimated Reading Time 7 Minutes
Hey You! Welcome back to The Vibrant Life Podcast, your go-to source for navigating the rollercoaster of life. I’m your host, Emily Romrell, your trusty companion on this journey to living our best lives.
Today, we’re tackling a topic we’ve all experienced – those moments when you just can’t muster up warm fuzzies for someone. We’ve all been there, right? Whether it’s your quirky neighbor with a lawn gnome obsession or that colleague who thinks sending emails in all caps is a great idea. How do we handle these situations without letting negativity take over? What if our feelings go deeper than that? Well, Peeps, today we’re going to explore all of it.
Real quick though, I have to ask. Have you checked out my latest literary projects? First up, we have “The Vibrant Life Goal Planner” – your secret weapon for turning dreams into actionable steps. It’s like having a life coach in book form, but without the awkward small talk. And you can begin to use it anytime because it’s undated. So be bold and use it even if you start in the middle of a month or any day of the week.
And if you’re in the mood for a poetic journey, dive into “Po~Em’s” – a collection of my musings on meaning of life. I think you’ll love it.
Alright, enough about me – let’s get back to the good stuff. Grab your favorite snack, cozy up in your happy place, and let’s look at those “I don’t like you” moments together. Because, let’s face it, life’s too short for unnecessary grudges.
You should know by now that I love researching ideas from psychology and personal development experts. They have so much help to offer as we navigate this crazy life. And I think it’s fascinating to learn about how human nature works and how we can continually grow and become better versions of ourselves.
And to guide us through the challenge of dealing with people we don’t like, I found a lot of wisdom from psychologist, Dr. Robert Cialdini.
Dr. Cialdini, renowned for his work on the psychology of influence, introduces us to the principle of “liking.” In his book “Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion,” he emphasizes the power of establishing common ground to enhance likability. According to Dr. Cialdini, people are more likely to connect positively when they perceive similarities with others.
So, when faced with someone you’re not exactly clicking with, take a page from Dr. Cialdini’s book. Seek out common interests or shared experiences. It could be a passion for the same sports team, a love for similar music, or even a shared responsibility or life situation. Finding these points of connection lays the groundwork for improved understanding and a more harmonious relationship.
Practically applying Dr. Cialdini’s insights involves some reflection. Consider where you share common ground with the person you’re not fond of. By consciously emphasizing these shared aspects, you create an environment that fosters likability and positive interactions.
I’m a total nerd and I love mythology. Something that has helped me apply these ideas even more is taking a breath and ‘Channeling My Inner Hermes.’
In Greek mythology, Hermes served as a messenger and mediator, navigating the complexities of relationships and communication. He is the bridge between the gods and humanity. In the modern world channeling our inner Hermes could be adopting a diplomatic mindset. Imagine being the mediator of your own interactions, finding common ground and fostering understanding.
Much like Hermes, consider the middle ground as your sacred territory. Instead of viewing interactions as battlegrounds, see them as opportunities to build bridges. Hermes didn’t shy away from diversity; he embraced it. In a similar way, approach those you dislike with an open mind. Seek to understand their perspective, and find points of agreement amid differences. In my imagination I like to visualize building a little more of a bridge each time I have a positive interaction. And after time the bridge is complete, strong, and I have a much happier relationship.
Practically applying the Hermes approach involves active listening. When engaging with someone you find challenging, listen not just to respond but to comprehend. Understanding their motivations, experiences, and viewpoints can be the cornerstone of constructing a bridge between you.
We all encounter moments that test our patience and empathy. Recently, I’ve been struggling with a woman I know who always seems on the verge of tears and brings her troubles into every conversation. While I genuinely enjoy being a supportive listener, a surge of negative feelings has started to come over me whenever our paths cross. I don’t like this and it’s something I’m working on.
One mental tool that helps me a lot is The CTFR model by Brooke Castillo. It’s a framework for examining and managing thoughts and emotions. It helps me navigate challenging situations by choosing new thoughts to positively impact my feelings and responses. Let’s apply this tool to my situation with my friend.
C – Current Situation: A woman in my social circle consistently brings her problems and emotional distress into our conversations.
T – Thoughts: My mind is filled with thoughts like, “She’s always so negative,” “I can’t handle her right now,” and “I don’t want to deal with this again.”
F – Feelings: These thoughts lead to feelings of frustration, exhaustion, and even resentment. I feel like I’m being dragged down by her constant negativity, and it’s affecting my own well-being.
R – Response: As a response to these feelings, I tend to withdraw emotionally and actively avoid her. During our interactions, I nod along but internally, I’m just waiting for the conversation to end.
Now, let’s apply the CTFR Model:
C – Current Situation: A woman in my social circle consistently brings her problems and emotional distress into our conversations.
T – Thoughts: Instead of focusing on her negativity, I can choose thoughts like, “She must be going through a tough time,” “I can offer her support without letting it affect me,” and “I can set boundaries while still being compassionate.”
F – Feelings: As a result, my feelings during our interactions change from frustration and exhaustion to compassion and empathy. I feel lighter and more at peace knowing that I’m offering support without sacrificing my own emotional well-being.
R – Response: With this new perspective, my response evolves into being a supportive listener without feeling emotionally drained. I can engage in conversations with her from a place of empathy, setting boundaries when necessary but still offering support.
This has helped a ton in my personal experience with this woman. She has no idea of the process I’m currently working through in dealing with her but I am different and my inner relationship with her is better. I do want to stress that this is a process and it’s ok if you don’t change your thinking or your paradigms overnight.
Dealing with individuals who have seriously hurt us is on a different level and is undeniably one of life’s most challenging trials. What do you do when you’re not simply annoyed or frustrated with someone but you’re trying to let go of real pain?
A couple of days ago I watched the newest episodes of The Chosen TV series at the movie theater. I won’t give away any spoilers. I’ll just say that I just cried through a lot of it. But the principles of repentance and forgiveness were strongly applied.
In Matthew 18:21-22, where Peter asks Jesus about the frequency of forgiveness. Jesus responds with the famous counsel, “I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.” This teaching underscores the principle of limitless forgiveness. While it may feel nearly impossible to forgive someone who has deeply hurt us, the scripture encourages a continuous effort toward forgiveness, emphasizing the transformative power of letting go. The truth is forgiveness is equally as important or even more so for our own benefit than it is for the person who wronged us.
President Gordon B. Hinckley shared his perspective on forgiveness, stating, “Without reservation, I say that forgiveness is the purest and most charitable of all virtues. It is the one most closely linked to our own happiness.” This wisdom highlights how choosing to forgive leads to emotional healing and peace. I’m not saying it’s easy but if you want true happiness you must be willing to forgive those who hurt you.
Also quick note. Forgiving someone does not mean you have to let them back into your life or let them take advantage of you. Safe boundaries are imperative. But who wants to walk around with the weight of bad feelings all the time? I don’t.
There is a heartwarming story literally named the “Gift of Friendship” involving cherry trees after World War II. It’s not only a tale of diplomatic goodwill but also a rich cultural exchange. In Japanese culture, cherry blossoms, known as “sakura,” hold deep symbolic significance.
Cherry blossoms represent the transient nature of life, a reminder of its beauty and impermanence. In Japan, the sakura season is a time for hanami, the tradition of appreciating the fleeting beauty of cherry blossoms. This cultural context adds layers of meaning to Japan’s decision to gift cherry trees to the United States as a symbol of reconciliation.
The Yoshino cherry trees, specifically chosen for their elegant and delicate blossoms, were sent to Washington, D.C., and planted near the Tidal Basin. This location was carefully selected not just for its aesthetic appeal but also for its historical resonance. The Tidal Basin is surrounded by many iconic monuments and memorials.The Tidal Basin’s cherry blossoms have since become a prominent symbol of the enduring friendship between Japan and the United States.
By offering these cherry trees, Japan extended a cultural olive branch, infusing the gift with profound meaning. The act created a tangible link between the nations through a shared appreciation for the beauty and symbolism of cherry blossoms. The “Gift of Friendship” is a testament to the power of fostering understanding and building bridges of peace even after the extreme tragedy of a nuclear bomb. Especially after something like that.
So as we wrap up the topic of what to do when you don’t like someone, remember that navigating challenging relationships is an ongoing journey. Embrace the power of finding common ground, as suggested by Dr. Robert Cialdini, and channel your inner Hermes, the mediator who builds bridges of understanding.
Utilize practical tools like the CTFR model to manage your thoughts and responses in difficult situations. Forgiveness, as we’ve discussed, isn’t just a gift to others but a crucial step towards your own happiness and peace.
And finally, approach each interaction as an opportunity for growth. Sometimes, the most profound changes happen within us and no one on the outside is any wiser. Let’s keep striving for positive connections and relationships.
Until next time, Live The Vibrant Life!
