Estimated Reading Time 10 Minutes
Hey You! How’s it going? I’m Emily Romrell and this is The Vibrant Life Podcast. I hope y’all have had a great week. I’m doing good. I busted out my fall decorations. Yes, I am one of those people. I don’t have too many decorations. Just a couple of leafy garlands and a scarecrow. But I love changing things up and getting ready for the next season of the year. I love all the fun things that go with the different seasons and the Fall is probably my favorite. I love watching the leaves change color, the cool crisp air, and wearing cute sweaters.
As I’ve said before, every season has its own joy. To me, it always feels like the last few months of the year are crammed with as much joy as possible. It’s a final to make the most of the year and celebrate with family and friends.
If you’re looking for some help to finish out 2021 in style. Now’s the time to order your Vibrant Life Goal Planner. After quite a bit of personal study, I created a system around core values and living each day deliberately. You can find a link to the planner in the show notes or on my website: EmilyRomrell.com.
Also, if you’re enjoying the podcast, please subscribe on Apple Podcasts or iTunes and leave a quick review. That helps so much to make the show more visible to new people. And don’t forget to tell your family and friends about the podcast. Thanks for your help in sharing the love.
Okay, I’m psyched about the topic this week. You know, Fall is the season of change and a lot of us have gone through and are still experiencing some difficult changes in the last two years. I know personally, things have been tough for me. And I found myself going back to a wonderful book called Loving What Is by Byron Katie.
This is one of those life-changer books that I think everyone should read. I’ll put a link to the book in the show notes. But seriously Peeps, if you can wrap your head around the principles she teaches in this book, you will be able to find a higher level of peace and self-confidence that you might not have believed possible.
The concepts are simple but it can be difficult to truly apply them in your life. (I think that’s true of a lot of principles, right?) It takes practice. No one is perfect and you shouldn’t expect perfection of yourself. That is a road to misery. But if you work at it and these thought processes become a habit. Then you will be much, much happier. So I guess I just want to say it’s important to be gentle with yourself when you are doing this kind of work.
So I want to go into a little bit of the background on the author of Loving What Is, Byron Katie. In her forties, she had three kids and a second husband. Her marriage wasn’t in a good place and her relationship with her children was rocky. She was extremely depressed and had some addictions and other issues. So we can gather that she was pretty dang miserable, right?
Side Note: Whenever I learn about stories like this it gives me hope. I think we all suffer in different ways as humans, right? And the big question is always: Why? Why do we have to go through so many hard things? I definitely don’t have all the answers. But I do know this. The experience of suffering is the only road to true compassion for others. When you have suffered, it’s sort of like you’ve earned an invisible badge of courage. And that badge gives you the power to love others and have compassion for the people in your life that you simply would not have otherwise.
Byron Katie absolutely has love and compassion for the people she helps. And if you get the audio version of the book you can hear it in her voice. That adds a layer of validity to everything she does. Because we know that she’s experienced some heart-wrenching things, we can relate to her and because she’s been able to lift herself out of those hard times, we believe that we can do it too. That’s powerful.
Anyway, Byron Katie checked herself into a Women’s Center, kind of group home situation. And she describes herself as self-loathing in sort of a super depressed, almost zombie-like state. And she was at the center for about two weeks without much change. But suddenly after two weeks, she woke up and had this amazing spiritual epiphany and transformation. It was like a light switched on in her brain and she just suddenly saw everything differently and more clearly. And in this life-changing moment, she recognized that her thoughts caused her suffering. She was able to separate her thoughts from what was really happening in reality.
Eventually, this spiritual awakening evolved into her life’s work. She began teaching this new way of thinking to help others. It’s really amazing, my friends. And she literally calls this thought process “The Work” and you can learn more by going to her website which is TheWork.com. There are some great free resources that she offers. So definitely check that out.
So all of the credit for this process goes to Byron Katie, but I just want to run through it with you guys, because it is seriously so good. Byron Katie calls the work “Inquiry” and also calls it a form of meditation. Basically, this is a way to be curious and try to look at tough situations from a place of reflection and not from a place of self-judgment or a place of judgment of other people. That’s really important.
The first thing she has people do is fill out a worksheet or answer some questions on a blank sheet of paper. (Again, I’ll have a link to all of this in the show notes, or you can visit TheWork.com.) But I’m just going to run through the whole process with you.
So the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet helps you really define what is going on and evaluate your specific situation. You’re advised to ‘Think of a stressful situation with someone—for example, an argument. As you meditate on that specific time and place and begin to feel what that felt like, fill in the blanks below. Use short, simple sentences.”
This is where you can let loose and really dump out your feelings. You don’t have to worry about being polite or coming off as petty, or wrong. All you do is let your emotions flow from inside yourself to your fingertips to your pen as you answer the questions. I also want to point out that the neighbor you are writing about could be yourself. It can be helpful to think outside yourself like that. But your neighbor is often other people. So just fill out the form as truthfully as you can.
1. In this situation, who angers, confuses, hurts, saddens, or disappoints you, and why?
I am angry with Paul because he lied to me
2. In this situation, how do you want him/her to change? What do you want him/her to do?
I want Paul to see that he is wrong. I want him to stop lying to me
Side note: This is the question that I usually struggle with. There’s that quote that says expectation is the root of all heartache. That is so, so true. And I can be stubborn and my want and expectations can be a big roadblock for me. But this question is really helpful in defining those wants and expectations into words. And when you get the words out, then you can deliberately choose how you want to move forward.
3. In this situation, what advice would you offer him/her? “He/she should/shouldn’t…”
Paul shouldn’t frighten me with his behavior. He should take a deep breath.
4. In order for you to be happy in this situation, what do you need him/her to think, say, feel, or do?
I need Paul to stop talking over me. I need him to really listen to me.
5. What do you think of him/her in this situation? Make a list. (It’s okay to be petty and judgmental.)
Paul is a liar, arrogant, loud, dishonest, and unconscious.
6. What is it about this person and situation that you don’t ever want to experience again?
I don’t ever want Paul to lie to me again. I don’t ever want to be disrespected again.
Now question each of your statements, using the four questions of The Work, below. For the turnaround to statement 6, replace the words I don’t ever want… with I am willing to… and I look forward to…
So we’ll ask the questions for each statement. This is super helpful for when you need clarity in a tough or painful situation in your life. But you can just do one belief at a time. That can be really helpful in the moment. If you need to take a time out and you’re right in the heat of things. Just run through the questions in your mind. Or you can use the free One-Belief-at-a-Time Worksheet.
Also, I want to point out again that you can do the questions on yourself or even on things. On her website, Byron Katie teaches, “Do The Work on any subject that’s stressful. As you become familiar with the four questions and the turnarounds, you may choose objects such as the body, disease, or career. Then experiment with using the term “my thinking” or “my thoughts” in place of the subject when you do the turnarounds.”
1. Is It True?
This is a Yes or No question. There’s no right or wrong answer. Don’t try to defend yourself with a big explanation. What is your gut reaction? Is this true?
So let’s continue with the first belief on the sheet: Paul lied to me.
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Yes or no.)
This is your opportunity to take a second and more logical look. Do you have evidence? Maybe you only believe Paul lied to you. Is there a chance he’s telling the truth? Can you be sure?
Sometimes you absolutely know something is true. Maybe you’re angry because your train was late and you missed your friend’s big going away party. So if you ask if it’s true that the train was late. Obviously, the answer is yes. Maybe the answer with Paul is obviously yes. But many times we make assumptions that hurt us. There’s an old joke that my mother doesn’t like but makes me smile a bit. ‘You know what happens when you assume things…It makes an ass out of u and me.’ I really never swear. But that is a true statement. Question two is an opportunity to find out if what you believe is in fact true.
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
What emotions arise when you believe that thought? What images of past and future do you see when you believe the thought? How do you treat yourself and others when you believe the thought?
Maybe you feel hurt or betrayed by Paul. You don’t trust Paul. You may feel angry. Maybe you shut down and won’t make an effort to communicate. There are lots of possibilities. Again, just take a beat and look.
This really helps you stay in the moment and understand how you feel and how you behave when this thought or situation happens. Sometimes we don’t even know how we feel because we don’t take the time to ask. So this is the moment. Again, no right or wrong here. Just honestly take a look.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
What would your life look like in this situation if you didn’t hold this belief or thought? Again, I know I’m saying this a lot, but there’s no right or wrong answer.
I would trust Paul. Our relationship would be happier. I wouldn’t feel angry all the time. I would be kinder to Paul and even other people because I wouldn’t be holding those negative feelings in.
Turn the thought around.
For me, this is really the magic sauce in the process. After you’ve done all this work reflecting on the situation and examining your feelings. You can turn things around and find a higher way to think, and maybe see the picture much more clearly. And there is usually more than one way to turn things around.
So rather than the statement: Paul lied to me. Let’s turn it around:
I lied to me.
I lied to Paul.
Paul didn’t lie to me.
Paul told me the truth.
The truth is I don’t have any control over what Paul does, right? I can only control my own thoughts, feelings, and actions. But when I turn things around it makes things a lot clearer.
Maybe I lied to myself because this is a pattern of behavior Paul has had for a long time and I have no control to change that.
Maybe, I lied to Paul with words or even by omission and that led to Paul thinking everything was okay when it wasn’t.
Maybe Paul didn’t lie to me and I’m making those dang assumptions again.
Maybe Paul told me the truth, but I wasn’t ready to face the truth quite yet.
The whole point of The Work and asking these questions is that it helps us accept things as they are. We are able to face life head-on and love what is rather than getting all mixed up with what we think should be. That allows us to be deliberate and purposeful in how we choose to move forward. When we stop fighting the things we can’t change it gives us so much more power in the things we can do.
I’m far from perfect at this, but taking the time to ask these questions has truly helped me. I hope it helps you too. Definitely check out Byron Katie and read her books. They are magical. Try to tackle things from a different perspective. It can really help you live a vibrant life!
Take care and have a terrific week!
